From: Simon Timothy
Reply-To: simontimothy@voila.fr
Subject: PLEASE CONTACT MY ATTORNEY FOR MORE DETAILS.
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 2010 12:20:43 GMT (08:20 EDT)
Hello
I pray that this email reaches you in the best of health. This letter may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met. The message could be strange but it's real and you will realise this if you pay some attention to it. I want to notify you about it at least for the sake of your integrity.
My name is Major Simon timothy, a direct and only remaining member of the wealthy Timothy's family. I am an astronaut with the Burkina Faso Air Force and on loan to the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA).
In 2003 I left earth aboard the Mars Rover, Spirit. Seven months later I arrived on Mars. Prior to departing earth, I deposited the amount of US$ 11,600,000 (Eleven million, six hundred thousand United States dollars) in four safety galvanized boxes in a European financial institution which will be disclosed to you upon your acceptance of my proposal.
Last year, during the course of my research on Mars, I was ambushed by a group of anal-dwelling rebel Martians who inflicted great torturous pain upon my body with anal probes. After a few weeks of enduring the physical pain, they released me. As a direct result of this cruelty, I am now very ill with a ruptured uterus that has defiled all forms of medical treatment and which has been deemed to be inoperable by my Martian surgeons. I am writing this mail to you on a laptop from my hospital bed in the Martian capitol of Zhwrong.
I now have but a few weeks to live and I am far too ill to endure the long and arduous journey back to my Burkina Faso home. Therefore I have decided to donate the bulk of my fortune to a church or charitable organisation that will utilize this money in the manner which I shall impart to you later. In return for your assistance, I shall authorise you to keep 30% of this fund for your trouble and aggravation plus an additional 10% to cover your expenses.
You should contact my attorney in Ouagadougou immediately with your address and
Telephone number and he will give you his full contact information and guidance so that we can make arrangements as soon as possible.
CONTACT ADDRESS OF THE
ATTORNEY.HON. BARRISTER AKPARA KADIOGO.OFAKPARA
CHAMBERS.TELPHONE: +22678235021
FAX: + (226) 50014470
E-MAIL: akparaassociatechambers2@yahoo.com
SINCERELY YOURS,
MAJOR SIMON TIMOTHY,
NATIONAL AERONAUTICS AND SPACE ADMINISTRATION
ELYSIUM VETERINARY INFIRMARY
ZHWRONG, MARS
NANONow the reason that I'm not going to give this my usual snarky comments is the simple fact that I wrote this. Yes, this work of fiction is something I sent out to a 419 scammer as a joke. My wife can attest to this as there is a rough draft of this on the desktop of her computer. Some asshole took my work of sarcastic parody of their poorly written scams and then started sending this out as if someone would would believe this.
Anyone who knows me is well aware of the fact that I love to use terms like "Anal-Dwelling" as a prefix to an insult to people that really honk me off. I refer to many as "Anal-Dwelling Twat Monkeys". I deliberately used the deadly injury of a ruptured uterus because coming from a guy (the name I used was Tenchi Misaki from the Tenchi Muyo Anime) a ruptured uterus was absurd.
Sort of like Larry the Cable Guy and his bit about how a female relative freaked out about a new medicine for testicular cancer that was advertised on the television. Said that she needed to call her doctor to see if she needed like the add told her to. Larry said something to the effect of "You need testiculars first."
Wow! So one of my replies and bits of humor came back and bit me in the ass. I'm amazed, astonished and baffled. Do they not know what a Martian is? Do they not know basic male/female anatomy?
The wife says that I ought to reply and ask them for a cut of the profits since I am the artist. I would do this if it was not for the fact that these people are being hunted by their government, I've seen a video from the BBC showing how they hunt down these people and arrest them. They'll close down a cyber cafe and take all the computer equipment (GAWD I'd love to dumpster dive that evidence locker after the trial is done...think of the beowulf cluster I could have). So I really do not want to attract the attention of the government. If I claim that I wrote this and try (even in jest) to collect money...I could end up in hot water. I'll go pretty far to laugh at their expense...but this is one area where I'll leave them alone. I'll claim the original letter, I'll claim that I wrote it, and I'll claim that they stole it for their nefarious plans.
There are limits to my madness.
Oh, my. I cannot believe they stole your story and thought it was a good idea to use. Mars? Anal probes? Wow...
ReplyDeleteJust think, though, you've done a good deed for someone who would've believed the "Nigerian prince" or "dying of cancer in random African country" lines. (Unfortunately, I'll bet someone will fall for the Mars thing. It's sad, but human stupidity has no limits.)
*rolls up newspaper* *thwacks you on the head*
ReplyDeleteOh, great! Now I have THAT to look foreward to and I already won $2 mil. from the Heineken International Online E-mail Promotion and $18 mil. from some poor schmuck claiming his client died in a plane crash. This is more than I usually get a week and it is only Tuesday. I average $17 mil. a week and this week is going to ruin my average.