Ah...first scammer of the new year.

And the first in a long time to actually try to tell me a sob story. The ones lately have all said "Have business opportunity, contact me with details."

How boring.

their comments in italics, mine in normal.

Thank you for reading my mail in respect of my invitation for a
business relationship. It is my hope that this contact will establish
in us a relationship that shall stand the test of time and tides.

Do me a favor. Stop trying to be poetic. Just say what the opportunity is and how much one can. In case you haven't noticed, most of the people you scam are dumb fucking stupid and are likely to be confused by more than "You make money! Send me bank account number!"

This mail is intended to provide you a good knowledge of the business
to elicit your understanding of the core subject before we get
talking.

Bor-ring. Again try not to beat these people over the head with how much smarter you are than them. It only makes them angry and frustrated and they may fling poo on you.

Briefly put, I am entrusting to you a business venture that involves
?6,800,000.00 (Six Million Eight Hundred Thousand Great Britain
Pounds). This is to be processed, released and transferred by Ulster
Bank to an account to be provided by you. Ulster Bank is located in
Belfast in the United Kingdom.

Good job on picking a real bank that has a branch in a real city. Most don't even do that well. However Great Britain Pound is not what REAL financial offices call it. Most call it simply Pound or British Pound Sterling if they need to clarify which pound it is (since there are other countries that use the pound as the name of their standard currency unit). You see, Great Britain is a place. Anything that comes from Great Britain is considered to be of British origin or simply "British".

Account required from you could be personal or corporate, new or
existing. It does not matter the account balance in such an account,
as long as it can accommodate the total fund mentioned, it will serve
the purpose and will be acceptable. As much as possible, legal means
would be used to have the fund processed and released by the Ulster
Bank.

The funny thing about bank accounts is that there is no upper limit to how much it can hold. Many if not most have a lower limit of how much you can have in it and you can not go below that number, but most banks are in the business of making money and as such want there to be MORE money in the bank and not less.

You may ask where the fund emanated from. Just briefly about the
origin. I had a client, wealthy and humane. Her name is Spencer Quaker
Martoson. I was her family lawyer for close to 15years. She and her
only son where among the unfortunate victims of China Northern
Airlines MD-82 that crashed on May 7, 2002 in North East China. Her
husband had died 3years earlier.

Wow! you picked a real crash! Amazing! The last chap didn't and even went as far as to claim that his accident was a Qantas flight that crashed in 2001 with the loss of all crew and passengers when the reality was that there have been no accidents in Qantas history (there have been fatalities, but the last one was in 1951 and they were all shoot-downs in times of war and/or conflict).

However I looked at the passenger list and there was no one by that name when the plane went down. In fact, there is no reference that anyone from Great Britain on that flight at all.

Lately, I found myself in a dilemma of what to do with the estate left
behind by the family after I had embarked on a search for any member
of their family without success. The banks in the United Kingdom
normally give a period of grace of 10years within which the estate of
a deceased citizen should be claimed; otherwise it will be forfeited
to the government.

I find it very hard to believe that there was no other family members to be found. No parents? No brothers? Sisters? Aunts and/or Uncles? Hard to believe.

I don't want this to happen, hence I am making this
contact to you to be presented as a consultant and guardian to the
family to receive the fund left behind as the beneficiary. This is
permissible in the laws of the United Kingdom on inheritance.

Well yes it is permissible if there are any legitimate people who are consultants and/or guardians...but per British law these have to be established before the death of the people in question and require their signatures. This means that you would be filing false paperwork and THAT is illegal.

I will put together all the necessary legal papers to back up my claim
in your name, the fund will be released in your name through a bank
account you will provide.
A bank account is not required for such transaction. They can and will send out a check (cheque) for the proper amount.

On successful claim of the fund, you would be entitled to 30% of it,
while I will be entitled to 60%. The balance 10% will be used to
settle any expenses incurred in the course of procuring the claim.
There are some officials in the bank that I will work with to ensure
success is achieved in the transaction. They will be entitled to some
tips as well. If you have any advice in this regard, do offer for a
better understanding.

30%? That's all you're offering? The last feller offered me a 50/50 split. You're going to have to do better than that you tight git.

All processing information and application will be prepared in your
name and submitted to the bank, while you'll be updated on progress
made subsequently.

Little words there dude...you're only confusing the suckers.

All that I need from you right now is your acceptance to work with me
to have this claim successfully received in your name. Once I receive
from you in affirmation of this, all other process will commence
accordingly.

Ok...now as I see it you are either asking me to participate in and assist you with the commission of an illegal activity (the defrauding of the bank in question), or you are asking me to be the sucker in the fraud you are trying to get me to play along with thus giving you all of my financial account information and possibly access to my identity which would allow you to defraud others and totally screw up my chances of ever being able to have credit ever again.

Not just no but FUCK NO.

I anticipate conclusion of the whole exercise in a few number of
banking days. Of course receiving from you unflinching understanding
and support both morally and otherwise.

The only unflinching thing of mine that you will ever have is my unflinching loathing and disgust that people like you can't be bothered to get a real job combined with my unwavering desire to see you having to explain to your proctologist why he needs to remove a rather large agave cactus from your anus.

And Rob if you are offended by "Yet another Agave Cactus in the ass" comment? Tough.

I intend to commence on the processing as soon as I receive from you
the following information;
1. Your full name as you would want me use in the application documents.
2. Your address (could be residential or official)
3. Your telephone number. If you have a fax, do provide me with the
number. These enhance the speed of communication sometimes.

1. Frederick J. Zirkel
2. 600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW, Washington, DC 20580
3. (202) 326-2222

(Not that I informed our Mr. Scamtard this, but the information is the Inspector General of the Federal Trade Commission, the organization that deals with identity theft and fraud such as this. I wonder of he ever wrote to him?)

For formal introduction, I am a managing partner to Unity Street
Chambers, located in London, England. I am 50years old, married with 2
kids. I've been in legal practice for over a period of 20years. I love
music and reading. I am a Christian, but not fanatical.

While this is all very interesting, all I care about is your legal credentials. I do not care how old you are. Do not care how many crotch spawn you have produced. I don't care of your sexual orientation involves you sticking your dick in to a watermelon. *If* I am doing business with someone, all I want to know is "are they qualified to do the job and are they scamming me". In this case "no" and "yes" respectively.

Have a blessed and successful day.
Yours sincerely,

Dan Daniels
Tel: +447035913956
mark2011a@indiatimes.com

Silly question. If you're a British Lawyer that is a partner to a British financial firm...why do you have an email address from India? For that matter why if your name is Dan Daniels does your address have "Mark" in it?

Just asking.