And yes that is meant to be sung to the popular Christmas Song.
So...as you may have noticed, some cancerous polyp on the anus of humanity decided to scupper my attempt to get into the spirit of Christmas and to spread some joy.
I wanted not to get people to belittle the tragedy that happened in Connecticut. Nor did I want people to forget it and let it slip quietly into the night. I only wanted people to try to remember that in spite of the tragedy that there was still some good in the world and in Christmas.
Congratulations you anonymous cock-stain, you killed off what little spirit I had managed to dredge up.
So Mr. or Mrs. Anonymous Coward. What's going to be your encore? Telling toddlers that there is no Santa? Going to a Westboro Baptist protest of the funerals and telling the parents and siblings of the slain children that it all happened because their deceased child was either tolerant of or actively homosexual?
Perhaps you'd like to do some performance art and sodomize kittens and puppies in front of the "Visit Santa" section in the local mall for all the little kids to see?
What next? I'm just dying to find out how you're going to demonstrate that you are a waste of precious food and oxygen that needs to die in a fire.
And you should be thrilled that I used that expression. Considering how fire is a horrific and one of the (if not "the") most painful ways of dying...I don't like to use that casually the way that this current generation likes to use it. But in your case while I do not wish you to die in a fire...should I ever find out your true identity and it happens that you die horribly in a fire and I managed to read about it in the news...
The only emotion I'll feel for you is satisfied amusement.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Christmas Tales
In light of the recent tragedies getting a lot of people shaken up, I'm thinking that it's time we try to lighten up. I'm not saying to just forget this, but let's not let the actions of a few people cause us to forget what's good about the season.
To this end I'm opening up my blog to stories of our fondest and most favorite memories of Christmases past.
I'll start off.
It was the Christmas of 2004 and Kier and I were spending Christmas away from our families trying to get this trailer that her (soon to be ex-) husband had left in a state of disrepair. We needed to get it back to marketable condition so we could finally sell the darn thing.
While we were doing this, the both of us were working at Smith's Medical and we were working the 3pm-11pm shift. Living as we were from week to week we had to budget ahead for Christmas and in order to clear the funds to buy each other presents we were paying off bills off as early as we could. It was hard and the food was a bit stingy that month but we made it.
We got paid on Thursday the 23'rd (at least that was when the direct deposit hit the bank) and we had finished our shift. We went to the 24-hour Walmart in Claremont NH about an hour from where we lived in Keene.
And this is the part that makes this a fond and favorite memory. Here it is the morning before Christmas Eve and and we both grab carts and split up. We're running around the place trying to avoid each other, throwing our coats over the cart of swag to hide each other's presents from prying eyes, enjoying the amused looks of the store clerks watching out antics. We were tear-assing all over that store, hitting departments at random to throw off the scent of what we were really looking at giving to each other, hitting others with guerilla-like stealth and tactics to get what we were buying before the other could see.
Two hours and $300 later (I think we had budgeted $150 each) we finally drove home and smuggled the presents into the house where we once again split up and wrapped presents like mad. Which was really funny since we were going to open some on Christmas Eve (some 18 hours later) and the rest on Christmas Morning (26 hours later) so many would argue "Why bother?"
But that's my fondest Christmas memory. Two silly people in love running around the store like a couple of kids with Grandma's Christmas Card money in hand and the attention spans of hummingbirds on speed.
So folks, share a story in the comments section and share this to all your friends and family. Let's remind ourselves that Christmas (or whatever you celebrate - I'm open to them all) is coming and let's try to remind ourselves of happier times in an attempt to bring some joy and cheer.
To this end I'm opening up my blog to stories of our fondest and most favorite memories of Christmases past.
I'll start off.
It was the Christmas of 2004 and Kier and I were spending Christmas away from our families trying to get this trailer that her (soon to be ex-) husband had left in a state of disrepair. We needed to get it back to marketable condition so we could finally sell the darn thing.
While we were doing this, the both of us were working at Smith's Medical and we were working the 3pm-11pm shift. Living as we were from week to week we had to budget ahead for Christmas and in order to clear the funds to buy each other presents we were paying off bills off as early as we could. It was hard and the food was a bit stingy that month but we made it.
We got paid on Thursday the 23'rd (at least that was when the direct deposit hit the bank) and we had finished our shift. We went to the 24-hour Walmart in Claremont NH about an hour from where we lived in Keene.
And this is the part that makes this a fond and favorite memory. Here it is the morning before Christmas Eve and and we both grab carts and split up. We're running around the place trying to avoid each other, throwing our coats over the cart of swag to hide each other's presents from prying eyes, enjoying the amused looks of the store clerks watching out antics. We were tear-assing all over that store, hitting departments at random to throw off the scent of what we were really looking at giving to each other, hitting others with guerilla-like stealth and tactics to get what we were buying before the other could see.
Two hours and $300 later (I think we had budgeted $150 each) we finally drove home and smuggled the presents into the house where we once again split up and wrapped presents like mad. Which was really funny since we were going to open some on Christmas Eve (some 18 hours later) and the rest on Christmas Morning (26 hours later) so many would argue "Why bother?"
But that's my fondest Christmas memory. Two silly people in love running around the store like a couple of kids with Grandma's Christmas Card money in hand and the attention spans of hummingbirds on speed.
So folks, share a story in the comments section and share this to all your friends and family. Let's remind ourselves that Christmas (or whatever you celebrate - I'm open to them all) is coming and let's try to remind ourselves of happier times in an attempt to bring some joy and cheer.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
God help people when I get bored.
This is what happens when I get bored. I start dumpster diving my Spam Folder and start doing the MST3K thing with the message headers.
Add 3-4 inches to your penis for free, just pay shipping and handling - Gee! I can add 3-4 inches just by downloading some porn off the internet and I don't have to pay for shipping. Next!
Finally we will meet - That's what you think. Next!
You are my last hope! - Well, you're screwed aren't ya? Next!
Apply for a Black Credit Card - You racist Bastard! Next!
Want to sell your timeshare? - No, If I had one I'd actually use the goddamn thing. Next!
Replica Watches, Bags, Pens - Ooh! I'm interested in that. Can I pay in replica money? Next!
Someone sent you a $1,000 Home Depot Gift card - Can you tell me who so I can hunt down this cheap prick who is making me jump through 30 hoops and spend $10,000 to get this card that was "gifted" to me? Me and a 14 pound lump hammer want to have a few words with him. Next!
Reach your financial goals with robe - If that only made sense. Next!
Your baby can read! - I knew it! All that drooling over the pages of my Poplar Science is a sham to lull me into a false sense of security while he develops his Weather Dominator so he can rule the world. I'm so proud! NEXT!
Is your man withdrawing and becoming distant? Did I leave my gaydar jammer on again? Damnit. Next!
From now on you don't need a crane to life your tool up - Frankly if my "tool" were so big as to need a crane to lift...I'd be making a killing in Porno films. Next!
Drug Rehab, find the one that works for you. - First step in dealing with a problem is admitting you have a problem. Hi! My name is Alex and I have a problem with idiot spammers. Ok, I've admitted it...can I shoot them now? Next!
See Joan Rivers Exposed Gah!- Poke out the minds's eye! Think of holy water, think of holy water! ANYONE GOT ANY BRAIN BLEACH!
We want to buy your house - What a staggering coincidence. I want to buy my house too.
Overcome the un-staying problem - Dude! Wait, what?
We delete free user accounts - Wow! Yer just a buncha douchebags there arentcha?
Virus in our office - Oh yeah, I REALLY want to open your e-mail after reading that.
Desire to become a better reality - Ok, what are you smoking so I can remember to never buy an ounce.
Will you book a place - Nope
Are you mad at me - Yes
Your account was deleted - Impressive considering I never had one.
You did everything wrong! - Funny, my fish are all alive, there's a roof over my head, a pantry full of food, a functional vehicle, a good paying job, loving wife, good sex life, friends that are there for me...sounds like I did at least something right.
Enjoy my pix - No pix. No link. No text. No anything. Odds are this means no brains.
I'll slit my wrists if you don't join my webpage - Just remember kids, Rippy the Razor says "It's down the road, not across the street!"
Go to my Myspace page or I'll blow my brains out - Promise?
I'll throw myself off a building if you don't click this link - What building, what time, and is there popcorn provided?
Answer me or I'll throw this kitten to a Gelatinous Cube - Whoops, that's my old D&D buddy with a new e-mail address...mark that one as safe.
It's second Twilight and looks gay - Hell, Edward sparkles, looks like he lives in the woods, doesn't want to hurt people...He's not a Vampire, He's a fairy!
I was suffering in silence - And you broke that silence to e-mail me? Gee I feel fucking special now.
Never wear glasses again! - Ok, firstly I never wore glasses, my last visit said I don't need glasses and even if I did there is no way in Hell that I'd go to a laser eye surgeon that has to resort to spam to get by. I'd sooner jump naked into a swimming pool filled with single-edged razor blades, salt, and lemon juice.
Make your Penis bigger with Twitter! - How...no...on second thought I'd rather not know.
Hey! Accidently seen you yesturday (sic) - Fuck! My cloaking device blew a converter manifold didn't it?
Get mobile with a power chair! - Why do I feel like yelling at kids to get off of my lawn all of a sudden?
Get 30% off of your free copy of Google Earth - Dude! Sweet! 30% off? Wait, what?
Ugly Older Moms! - Trust me, that's not a incentive to check out your site.
You can learn any language in 10 days - Fuckers! They do not offer Klingon!
Don't fall in love at Match.com - But...but...I thought that was the point of Match.com?
Invest in Mentals - I already have. You and the other thousand spammers are sadly my only return.
My advice is for you to buy this damn product and drill your girl like crazy - My advice is to go shove an agave cactus up your urethra sideways. BTW, I can "drill my girl like crazy" without paying a single penny for your product. So there!
The smoking alternative with no harmful chemicals - Yeah, it's called quitting jackass.
Become a CSI! - Ooh! Ooh! Can I be Lawrence Fishbourne?
Want your girlfriend back? - Nope! She dumped me to become a lesbian. Just wouldn't work out. (really happened)
Expand your manliness spire! - I like this one...This one is silly!
Did you suffer an injury using birth control? - Yes! All the Viagra you keep trying to sell me made me so big that I hurt myself when trying to put on the condom. The latex snapped, it backlashed and I got a very naughty boo boo.
Hawaii = Paradise - No shit Sherlock!
Will trade cash for trees - You do know that there are forests full of the gorram things right?
Stop Harassing Creditors - But I never harass them. Nigerian spammers maybe, but never Creditors. I try to pay my bills on time.
Did you suffer a Gall Bladder injury using birth control? - Nope, can't say that I have. Can't think how a condom could injure one's Gall Bladder for that matter.
Watch your stretch marks disappear - Y'all don't bother with demographics do you?
Watch over 4500 channels! - Great! 4500 channels of reality TV, news, regurgitated crap, biased news, weather that can barely tell you what happened yesterday with a 50% success rate much less trying to guess the future, and political ads where one candidate stated publicly that their opponents whip puppies with live rattlesnakes...I'll stick to my netflix and my Wii thank you.
Only 360 shopping days left until Christmas - Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me. Send me this again and I'll hunt your ass down and make you the Christmas Angel on my Holly tree in the back yard. Guess how I'm going to keep you on it. Just guess
Catnip Enemas - There are no words for this...no gorram words.
Make your boner so iron it could pierce the ceiling - Poor Ceiling Cat.
Wanted ugly timeshares - Well if it was ugly...why in the name of Zeus's ball sack would I have bought it in the first place?
Are you paying too much for Cable? - Nope. My cable bill is nothing. And it's legal too. It's called the "I'm so disgusted with TV that I decided not to buy the service" plan.
Permanent enlarged penis – Uhm…if it’s enlarged for more than 4 hours, isn’t there a risk of it falling off?
Add 3-4 inches to your penis for free, just pay shipping and handling - Gee! I can add 3-4 inches just by downloading some porn off the internet and I don't have to pay for shipping. Next!
Finally we will meet - That's what you think. Next!
You are my last hope! - Well, you're screwed aren't ya? Next!
Apply for a Black Credit Card - You racist Bastard! Next!
Want to sell your timeshare? - No, If I had one I'd actually use the goddamn thing. Next!
Replica Watches, Bags, Pens - Ooh! I'm interested in that. Can I pay in replica money? Next!
Someone sent you a $1,000 Home Depot Gift card - Can you tell me who so I can hunt down this cheap prick who is making me jump through 30 hoops and spend $10,000 to get this card that was "gifted" to me? Me and a 14 pound lump hammer want to have a few words with him. Next!
Reach your financial goals with robe - If that only made sense. Next!
Your baby can read! - I knew it! All that drooling over the pages of my Poplar Science is a sham to lull me into a false sense of security while he develops his Weather Dominator so he can rule the world.
Is your man withdrawing and becoming distant? Did I leave my gaydar jammer on again? Damnit. Next!
From now on you don't need a crane to life your tool up - Frankly if my "tool" were so big as to need a crane to lift...I'd be making a killing in Porno films. Next!
Drug Rehab, find the one that works for you. - First step in dealing with a problem is admitting you have a problem. Hi! My name is Alex and I have a problem with idiot spammers. Ok, I've admitted it...can I shoot them now? Next!
See Joan Rivers Exposed Gah!- Poke out the minds's eye! Think of holy water, think of holy water! ANYONE GOT ANY BRAIN BLEACH!
We want to buy your house - What a staggering coincidence. I want to buy my house too.
Overcome the un-staying problem - Dude! Wait, what?
We delete free user accounts - Wow! Yer just a buncha douchebags there arentcha?
Virus in our office - Oh yeah, I REALLY want to open your e-mail after reading that.
Desire to become a better reality - Ok, what are you smoking so I can remember to never buy an ounce.
Will you book a place - Nope
Are you mad at me - Yes
Your account was deleted - Impressive considering I never had one.
You did everything wrong! - Funny, my fish are all alive, there's a roof over my head, a pantry full of food, a functional vehicle, a good paying job, loving wife, good sex life, friends that are there for me...sounds like I did at least something right.
Enjoy my pix - No pix. No link. No text. No anything. Odds are this means no brains.
I'll slit my wrists if you don't join my webpage - Just remember kids, Rippy the Razor says "It's down the road, not across the street!"
Go to my Myspace page or I'll blow my brains out - Promise?
I'll throw myself off a building if you don't click this link - What building, what time, and is there popcorn provided?
Answer me or I'll throw this kitten to a Gelatinous Cube - Whoops, that's my old D&D buddy with a new e-mail address...mark that one as safe.
It's second Twilight and looks gay - Hell, Edward sparkles, looks like he lives in the woods, doesn't want to hurt people...He's not a Vampire, He's a fairy!
I was suffering in silence - And you broke that silence to e-mail me? Gee I feel fucking special now.
Never wear glasses again! - Ok, firstly I never wore glasses, my last visit said I don't need glasses and even if I did there is no way in Hell that I'd go to a laser eye surgeon that has to resort to spam to get by. I'd sooner jump naked into a swimming pool filled with single-edged razor blades, salt, and lemon juice.
Make your Penis bigger with Twitter! - How...no...on second thought I'd rather not know.
Hey! Accidently seen you yesturday (sic) - Fuck! My cloaking device blew a converter manifold didn't it?
Get mobile with a power chair! - Why do I feel like yelling at kids to get off of my lawn all of a sudden?
Get 30% off of your free copy of Google Earth - Dude! Sweet! 30% off? Wait, what?
Ugly Older Moms! - Trust me, that's not a incentive to check out your site.
You can learn any language in 10 days - Fuckers! They do not offer Klingon!
Don't fall in love at Match.com - But...but...I thought that was the point of Match.com?
Invest in Mentals - I already have. You and the other thousand spammers are sadly my only return.
My advice is for you to buy this damn product and drill your girl like crazy - My advice is to go shove an agave cactus up your urethra sideways. BTW, I can "drill my girl like crazy" without paying a single penny for your product. So there!
The smoking alternative with no harmful chemicals - Yeah, it's called quitting jackass.
Become a CSI! - Ooh! Ooh! Can I be Lawrence Fishbourne?
Want your girlfriend back? - Nope! She dumped me to become a lesbian. Just wouldn't work out. (really happened)
Expand your manliness spire! - I like this one...This one is silly!
Did you suffer an injury using birth control? - Yes! All the Viagra you keep trying to sell me made me so big that I hurt myself when trying to put on the condom. The latex snapped, it backlashed and I got a very naughty boo boo.
Hawaii = Paradise - No shit Sherlock!
Will trade cash for trees - You do know that there are forests full of the gorram things right?
Stop Harassing Creditors - But I never harass them. Nigerian spammers maybe, but never Creditors. I try to pay my bills on time.
Did you suffer a Gall Bladder injury using birth control? - Nope, can't say that I have. Can't think how a condom could injure one's Gall Bladder for that matter.
Watch your stretch marks disappear - Y'all don't bother with demographics do you?
Watch over 4500 channels! - Great! 4500 channels of reality TV, news, regurgitated crap, biased news, weather that can barely tell you what happened yesterday with a 50% success rate much less trying to guess the future, and political ads where one candidate stated publicly that their opponents whip puppies with live rattlesnakes...I'll stick to my netflix and my Wii thank you.
Only 360 shopping days left until Christmas - Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me. Send me this again and I'll hunt your ass down and make you the Christmas Angel on my Holly tree in the back yard. Guess how I'm going to keep you on it. Just guess
Catnip Enemas - There are no words for this...no gorram words.
Make your boner so iron it could pierce the ceiling - Poor Ceiling Cat.
Wanted ugly timeshares - Well if it was ugly...why in the name of Zeus's ball sack would I have bought it in the first place?
Are you paying too much for Cable? - Nope. My cable bill is nothing. And it's legal too. It's called the "I'm so disgusted with TV that I decided not to buy the service" plan.
Permanent enlarged penis – Uhm…if it’s enlarged for more than 4 hours, isn’t there a risk of it falling off?
Curious? – Not really.
Need a promtoion? Nope. Need a spellchecker?
Reach the Mount Everest of Love – What? With oxygen tanks, heavy parkas, snow goggles, triple thick wool socks, climbing pitons and rope? Well the rope is interesting…but I think we’ll stay at sea level.
Lasik starting at $2.99 – I’m a little frightened of eye surgery that costs less than a Big Mac.
Buy a house for Penises – Even if I got a house for it, my wife would be very sad if I got rid of Mr. Fiddles.
3% daily growth no kidding! – And you want me to buy a 120 day supply? My God! By the time I got though that I’d be too big for my wife. Hell, I’d be too big for a Blue Whale. I’d have to dig a hole in the back yard for Christ’s sake.
Make love to Crazy Sponge Bob fans – Not just no, fuck no. DO NOT WANT!
Refresh the homepage now – Or you’ll do what?
How dumb are you? – Not dumb enough to fall for your schemes.
What can be done? – Not a goddamn thing sorry. You’re screwed.
Organize and protect your shoe – But I have two shoes.
Do you see the pics? I don’t – Well that means you were too dumb to attach the pictures to the message…dumbass
Natural colon cleanse – Viagra, Cialis, male enhancement, and now you’re selling me enemas?
Bush will return in 2012 – Not up on your civics classes are ya.
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