Add 3-4 inches to your penis for free, just pay shipping and handling - Gee! I can add 3-4 inches just by downloading some porn off the internet and I don't have to pay for shipping. Next!
Finally we will meet - That's what you think. Next!
You are my last hope! - Well, you're screwed aren't ya? Next!
Apply for a Black Credit Card - You racist Bastard! Next!
Want to sell your timeshare? - No, If I had one I'd actually use the goddamn thing. Next!
Replica Watches, Bags, Pens - Ooh! I'm interested in that. Can I pay in replica money? Next!
Someone sent you a $1,000 Home Depot Gift card - Can you tell me who so I can hunt down this cheap prick who is making me jump through 30 hoops and spend $10,000 to get this card that was "gifted" to me? Me and a 14 pound lump hammer want to have a few words with him. Next!
Reach your financial goals with robe - If that only made sense. Next!
Your baby can read! - I knew it! All that drooling over the pages of my Poplar Science is a sham to lull me into a false sense of security while he develops his Weather Dominator so he can rule the world.
Is your man withdrawing and becoming distant? Did I leave my gaydar jammer on again? Damnit. Next!
From now on you don't need a crane to life your tool up - Frankly if my "tool" were so big as to need a crane to lift...I'd be making a killing in Porno films. Next!
Drug Rehab, find the one that works for you. - First step in dealing with a problem is admitting you have a problem. Hi! My name is Alex and I have a problem with idiot spammers. Ok, I've admitted it...can I shoot them now? Next!
See Joan Rivers Exposed Gah!- Poke out the minds's eye! Think of holy water, think of holy water! ANYONE GOT ANY BRAIN BLEACH!
We want to buy your house - What a staggering coincidence. I want to buy my house too.
Overcome the un-staying problem - Dude! Wait, what?
We delete free user accounts - Wow! Yer just a buncha douchebags there arentcha?
Virus in our office - Oh yeah, I REALLY want to open your e-mail after reading that.
Desire to become a better reality - Ok, what are you smoking so I can remember to never buy an ounce.
Will you book a place - Nope
Are you mad at me - Yes
Your account was deleted - Impressive considering I never had one.
You did everything wrong! - Funny, my fish are all alive, there's a roof over my head, a pantry full of food, a functional vehicle, a good paying job, loving wife, good sex life, friends that are there for me...sounds like I did at least something right.
Enjoy my pix - No pix. No link. No text. No anything. Odds are this means no brains.
I'll slit my wrists if you don't join my webpage - Just remember kids, Rippy the Razor says "It's down the road, not across the street!"
Go to my Myspace page or I'll blow my brains out - Promise?
I'll throw myself off a building if you don't click this link - What building, what time, and is there popcorn provided?
Answer me or I'll throw this kitten to a Gelatinous Cube - Whoops, that's my old D&D buddy with a new e-mail address...mark that one as safe.
It's second Twilight and looks gay - Hell, Edward sparkles, looks like he lives in the woods, doesn't want to hurt people...He's not a Vampire, He's a fairy!
I was suffering in silence - And you broke that silence to e-mail me? Gee I feel fucking special now.
Never wear glasses again! - Ok, firstly I never wore glasses, my last visit said I don't need glasses and even if I did there is no way in Hell that I'd go to a laser eye surgeon that has to resort to spam to get by. I'd sooner jump naked into a swimming pool filled with single-edged razor blades, salt, and lemon juice.
Make your Penis bigger with Twitter! - How...no...on second thought I'd rather not know.
Hey! Accidently seen you yesturday (sic) - Fuck! My cloaking device blew a converter manifold didn't it?
Get mobile with a power chair! - Why do I feel like yelling at kids to get off of my lawn all of a sudden?
Get 30% off of your free copy of Google Earth - Dude! Sweet! 30% off? Wait, what?
Ugly Older Moms! - Trust me, that's not a incentive to check out your site.
You can learn any language in 10 days - Fuckers! They do not offer Klingon!
Don't fall in love at Match.com - But...but...I thought that was the point of Match.com?
Invest in Mentals - I already have. You and the other thousand spammers are sadly my only return.
My advice is for you to buy this damn product and drill your girl like crazy - My advice is to go shove an agave cactus up your urethra sideways. BTW, I can "drill my girl like crazy" without paying a single penny for your product. So there!
The smoking alternative with no harmful chemicals - Yeah, it's called quitting jackass.
Become a CSI! - Ooh! Ooh! Can I be Lawrence Fishbourne?
Want your girlfriend back? - Nope! She dumped me to become a lesbian. Just wouldn't work out. (really happened)
Expand your manliness spire! - I like this one...This one is silly!
Did you suffer an injury using birth control? - Yes! All the Viagra you keep trying to sell me made me so big that I hurt myself when trying to put on the condom. The latex snapped, it backlashed and I got a very naughty boo boo.
Hawaii = Paradise - No shit Sherlock!
Will trade cash for trees - You do know that there are forests full of the gorram things right?
Stop Harassing Creditors - But I never harass them. Nigerian spammers maybe, but never Creditors. I try to pay my bills on time.
Did you suffer a Gall Bladder injury using birth control? - Nope, can't say that I have. Can't think how a condom could injure one's Gall Bladder for that matter.
Watch your stretch marks disappear - Y'all don't bother with demographics do you?
Watch over 4500 channels! - Great! 4500 channels of reality TV, news, regurgitated crap, biased news, weather that can barely tell you what happened yesterday with a 50% success rate much less trying to guess the future, and political ads where one candidate stated publicly that their opponents whip puppies with live rattlesnakes...I'll stick to my netflix and my Wii thank you.
Only 360 shopping days left until Christmas - Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me. Send me this again and I'll hunt your ass down and make you the Christmas Angel on my Holly tree in the back yard. Guess how I'm going to keep you on it. Just guess
Catnip Enemas - There are no words for this...no gorram words.
Make your boner so iron it could pierce the ceiling - Poor Ceiling Cat.
Wanted ugly timeshares - Well if it was ugly...why in the name of Zeus's ball sack would I have bought it in the first place?
Are you paying too much for Cable? - Nope. My cable bill is nothing. And it's legal too. It's called the "I'm so disgusted with TV that I decided not to buy the service" plan.
Permanent enlarged penis – Uhm…if it’s enlarged for more than 4 hours, isn’t there a risk of it falling off?
Curious? – Not really.
Need a promtoion? Nope. Need a spellchecker?
Reach the Mount Everest of Love – What? With oxygen tanks, heavy parkas, snow goggles, triple thick wool socks, climbing pitons and rope? Well the rope is interesting…but I think we’ll stay at sea level.
Lasik starting at $2.99 – I’m a little frightened of eye surgery that costs less than a Big Mac.
Buy a house for Penises – Even if I got a house for it, my wife would be very sad if I got rid of Mr. Fiddles.
3% daily growth no kidding! – And you want me to buy a 120 day supply? My God! By the time I got though that I’d be too big for my wife. Hell, I’d be too big for a Blue Whale. I’d have to dig a hole in the back yard for Christ’s sake.
Make love to Crazy Sponge Bob fans – Not just no, fuck no. DO NOT WANT!
Refresh the homepage now – Or you’ll do what?
How dumb are you? – Not dumb enough to fall for your schemes.
What can be done? – Not a goddamn thing sorry. You’re screwed.
Organize and protect your shoe – But I have two shoes.
Do you see the pics? I don’t – Well that means you were too dumb to attach the pictures to the message…dumbass
Natural colon cleanse – Viagra, Cialis, male enhancement, and now you’re selling me enemas?
Bush will return in 2012 – Not up on your civics classes are ya.
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