A Yahoo Answers twit.

So I'm a member of Yahoo Answers and I'm pretty active on it. I'm level five with over 5,000 points to my name. It's something I love to do since people do have questions about things that I'm knowledgeable about and I like giving advice.

Sadly there are times when the person is just being a twit. People who want other people to name their fishy, or someone who has a cat actively bleeding from being hit by a car and instead of the vet, they're hoping that someone can suggest some holistic approach to patching that liver laceration.

Most likely it's someone just being a twit...at least I hope so.

But I had this gem come across in the computer section. Someone was asking about this hypothetical virus that was undetectible, could morph itself into a text file to hide itself, and a number of Hollywood-esq features that couldn't possibly exist with today's level of programming. So I answered it to allay the fears of the person.

Little did I know that the asker of the questions was fishing around for someone that he could test this virus on.

He contacted me in a private message. Now Yahoo Answers doesn't allow one member to e-mail the other directly. This protects the e-mail (quite sensibly I think) of everyone involved and prevents people doing nasty things if they didn't like an answer. Which happens all too frequently.

His message...

I have the virus I was talking about.
Give me your messenger id if you want to test if your computer and antiviruses can stop this virus

 Well I was bored as I often am with my sleep schedule. I work nights and as such I tend to keep to that sleep pattern on the weekends so I'm awake when everyone else is asleep. Being bored I replied back.

Well you did ask as to how I would defend myself against the hypothetical virus you mentioned.

Well, here's yet another way.

I'm not so stupid as to give you a messenger ID name (even if I did use IM programs...which I do not) so this prevents me from getting viruses from that vector.

Secondly, I'm not so moronic as to give anyone out there a vector to get a virus into my computer when they out and out tell me that they are going to put one into my system.

I've been in IT for 15 years, make my career out of it. It's what puts food on the table and a roof over the heads of me, my wife and out three children. You don't make as much money as me by being a 'tard.

You want to test this virus on me? Find me. Hack into my computer. Frankly a script-kiddie like you couldn't hack a turd out of your own colon without mommy giving you an enema.

So I feel safe from you and your attempts at passing "the virus of the millennium" (which in reality is likely to be at worst a variant of an existing virus with your payload-script loaded into it).

You are like a kicking-dog, barking at the Bull Mastiff on the sidewalk while you're safely behind the fence. As long as the anonymous internet stands between us, you feel safe to act big and bad and "133+".

When in reality you are, have always been, and will likely be forevermore a worthless and pathetic loser without any real social skills, no chance to ever enjoy the intimate company of a woman.

Bark away little kicking dog, bark away.

He didn't seem to like that very much and the next day I got this in my e-mail

Hey, no need to insult me. I am a devout follower of God, I don't try to hack into anyone's computer or to infect anyone unless I get a real benefit.
So I was not going to infect your computer with my 294 bytes HTA trojan. I have created a removal tool for this trojan so it was safe for you and me to test this self-hiding virus of mine into our computer. I have tested it 10 times on my computer and removed it and it's files from my computer with my removal tool. Don't be afraid of my virus; is not dangerous unless you don't use the removal tool.
And is not true what you have said about me. I am in love with a girl and I am very romantic, contrary to your belief. The girl I'm in love with has already a boyfriend. That was before I met her. But my poems to her, the music I listen proves me very romantic. I would give my life for that girl

Now this was funny to me. His evil virus supreme is nothing more than a commonly distributed virus that you can load any number of pre-packaged script payloads and is detected by even the most half-assed antiviral programs on the market. Being a Linux Box (Ubuntu 9.10) there wouldn't even be a chance of the darn thing running on my computer.

First of all, why are you bringing God into this conversation? I certainly did not. But since you did, let me state for the record that I am Wiccan. Please refrain from the usual "You're going to Hell" speech. It's your hell, you burn in it.

Secondly. I love that " I don't try to hack into anyone's computer or to infect anyone unless I get a real benefit." bit. Does that mean that you don't rob banks unless you get a real benefit? That you don't rape women unless you get a real benefit? In a sense you're undermining your own position by stating that you do not commit any criminal activity...unless there is something in it for you. Real Christian of you. Even Jesus Christ (that guy you call your savior) told his followers that you need to follow the secular laws of the land.

Thirdly. You're trying to impress me with your "mad programming skillz" by telling me that you're fiddling around with a HLA Downloader Trojan? Something that Symantec considers a "low risk" infection? Please! That's like a terrorist trying to hold a city for ransom by stating that unless their demands are met, he'll shatter the vial he's holding and unleash a plague of "Head Cold" upon the city.

You're threatening me with what is at best...AT BEST...a case of the sniffles.

Not to mention that the HLA Downloaders explot Windows' weaknesses. THIS...IS...LINUX! (couldn't resist the "300" reference...sorry)

But in all seriousness, you need to gain access to the Root account password of my computer in order to install anything. If I want to install Adobe Flash Player for Firefox on my system, (yes something as trivial as that) I have to run the sudo (Super User DO) command and input the root password which is 46 to the power of 14 possible combinations or a buttload of passwords that would take you more time in the world to figure out that there are seconds in your life.

So "don't be afraid of your virus"? Please. I'm more afraid of the Large Hadron Collider generating a micro black hole that would consume the planet whole. Something that has odds of 1 in a really large number that is so big that I'd fill this yahoo reply box just with all the freaking zeros...than I am of your virus.

And again as for your "girl" (which may or may not be inflatable) I'd be more impressed if you had simply stated that you had a girl. Trying to convince a married man and a father of three of your romantic prowess just strikes me as the pathetic imaginings of someone who wouldn't know what to do with a woman if one sat on your face. For that matter I'm not 100% certain that you're old enough to have had both of your testicles drop.

At best you are a "script-kiddie" playing with pre-packaged scripts and pre-written virus kits trying to impress the world with skills you do not have. It's like someone who learned how to change a tire claiming that they are a Nascar-level mechanic. At worse you're a child with nothing better to do on a weekend than to try to impress people who have seen it all and are bored of it.

In either case, grow up, get a real life, and stop trying to play with the big dogs before one decides that you're actually worth picking out of their teeth.

Now this chap must have been hovering over his computer waiting for my response since I got this back within 10 minutes.

Why insult me? What have I done to you?
Why not speak civilized
Every teacher from my school says of me I am intelligent... that even they don't know to make the sites and write the programs I write
(I really don't believe them)
And my IQ is 119.
And I have declared war against humanity for 6 months December 2005 - August 2006.
I have hacked into some video servers of FBI.
Videos with criminals being interrogated.
And I have stolen products from supermarkets without being caught when I was still a sinner
May the Wiccan dark magical Force be with your enemies!

 Followed up by my final comments before blocking his sorry butt.

Why insult you? You insulted me by wanting to throw malicious code into my computer.

What have you done to me? You wanted to throw malicious code into my computer.

Why not speak civilized? Actually I have. Compared to the average user of the internet, I am William Shakespeare. I do not lace my comments with vulgarities and profanity for profanity's sake. I never once used the "F-Word" or any of the other words banned for on-air usage on Primetime broadcasting. I also take the time to use proper grammar (or at least grammar that is a level of magnitude better than the average internet user). I make good use of my spell checker and make a honest attempt to double check my spelling.

This right here makes me a thousand time more civilized than the average internet user with their "133+ 5p3@|<", "lolz" and "omg rotflmao" laced texts and tweets which proves to the world that the public education system's English program was a sad and tragic waste of time and resources.

You come from a school system that is teaching children (and I jolly well knew you were a child) how to pass Standardized Placement Tests and not the material. If you pass the test they claim you are intelligent when in reality you are just demonstrating that you can repeat what has been drilled into your head. Yawn. Chimpanzees can do this. The only advantage between chimps and humans is that humans fling less poo.

And don't try to compare brain power. I'm a member of Mensa and have been since 1989. Your 119 would get you a pat on the head and a "Nice Try" at the entrance exams.

Ooh! At war with humanity for a whole 6 months? What happened? Get bored? Did humanity give you a wedgie? Was it an atomic one where it took three weeks to get your skivvies out of your crevasse? Did that big mean old humanity steal your lunch money? Kevin Mitnick you aren't.

As for hacking the FBI?Thanks for giving me the dates of your criminal activity. My brother-in-law at the NSA in the cyber-crimes and defense department has been given a copy of your e-mails and your account name. If there is any records of intrusion between those two dates I think you'll become a person of interest. I hope for your sake you've mistaken watching FBI videos leaked to YouTube.com as a real hacking into the FBI servers, because if they can link anything to you for real...

Well let's say you're not going to be getting any congical visits except from people you don't want one from.

And shoplifting is like the "Hello Kitty" version of crime. It annoys more than it impressed. Somehow saying "Me? I'm in here for jacking a kit-kat bar." just doesn't have that whole "I'm a hardened criminal" vibe to it.

"May the Wiccan dark magical Force be with your enemies!" Thank you for the laugh. I almost peed myself reading this. Might I suggest www.wikipedia.org and looking up Wicca. You'll finally realize just how pathetic that was.

I am bored now. I am blocking further messages from you. You just don't have a tenth of the flame-war abilities of most people I tangle with. You were like a toy mouse to a cat. Fun at first, but now that the tail has been chewed off...you're just no fun anymore. Toodles!

I also reported him to Yahoo Answers since the threat of sending malicious code is possibly illegal and at least against Yahoo's Terms of Service.

Idiots.